That’s Not How This Show Works, Hannah

Hometowns. Here. We. Goooooo. Glass of vino’s poured, I’m sure I’ll pound that whole bottle by the end of this episode. 

First, Hannah’s off to Cali for Peter’s hometown. Peter’s genuinely happy to show off his Mercedes (buy a truck, kid) and his hometown. Hannah finds a condom in Peter’s car and I actually thought the talk they had about it was pretty funny, as Peter pulls up to an airport to fly his plane in. This kid’s such an obvious favorite on this season that you almost forget that he’s a pilot but them having it on the show was great and being so close to LA, it’s cute that Peter flew them over the Bachelor Mansion. She has to end up with him, Peter’s absolutely the best match for Hannah and they’re cute together. 

Immediately, you could tell by the looks in Peter’s mom’s eyes that she think’s Hannah’s nuts. Both of them can’t commit to saying that they love each other, but that they both have a real connection. To me though, it does seem a bit like Peter likes her a bit more than she likes him. After they leave Peter’s house, he says he wants to tell her that he’s falling in love with her but then he just can’t. Clearly, he’s not completely sure as much as he wants to be.

Next up, Hannah’s off to Tyler’s hometown of Jupiter, Florida; or more importantly, the home of the greatest golfer of all time (Go Tiger!!). Right away, Hannah says that she has concerns that Tyler isn’t ready to take the next steps in their relationship together. They start off with a tour of the town on a boat and Hannah looks smoking hot wearing a purple bikini on it. 

(Commercial note: Can’t wait to see Lion King in a couple weeks!)

Tyler gets to have his emotional reunion with his sick dad as his family gets to meet Hannah for the first time. Tyler and Hannah both genuinely seem real into each other and like Peter, I think Tyler’s a good match for Hannah as well. Tyler’s two brothers tell Hannah that they could see Tyler being ready to be engaged. These kid’s also still look like their number one priority is ripping 30s of Natty Ice on the water with their boys every weekend, but whatever. Next, Tyler’s mom asks him a great question of what he’s learned about himself most out of this Bachelorette journey, cause I’m sure it is actually a lot that you get out of it if you take being on the show seriously. And he tells his mom that he’s ready to get engaged. Tyler’s dad then approves of Hannah and say’s that he thinks that Tyler is definitely ready to get married. Good for him. I’d be happy to see these two end up together and Tyler telling Hannah that he’s falling in love with her does seem real and its effortless for him. Good signs for the two of them ending up together at the end of this thing. Love. That’s what this show’s really all about.

But here comes drama. Gainesville, GA. Luke P. 

Love Hannah’s hair straight like that.

Let’s see what bullshit Luke gives us in this episode. Sunday school. Is this kid fucking serious? If he wasn’t so annoying this would be completely hilarious. Cause this can’t be real. Back to the shower cry bullshit. How is this STILL going on with this kid? This season would’ve probably been so much better if this kid’s bullshit didn’t take up the whole season. This CAN’T be real.

On to Luke’s family after the shit show that took place at “Sunday school”. Immediately they start talking about how its Luke vs. the rest of the guys in the mansion. Great. His parents already can see that this is in no way good. Right away Luke’s dad is concerned about the dynamic with Luke and everyone else and goes to talk to him about it. And this guy fucking tells him it’s not bad if Hannah’s all worth it for Luke. Don’t approve of this bullshit. Luke then tells his dad that he see’s Hannah becoming “Ms. Parker”. Come on. Hannah asks Luke’s dad if he would be ready to be engaged at the end of this and this fucking PSYCHOPATH says “oh there’s no doubt”. I can see where Luke got his wild, fucking stupidity from! His mom seems nuts too. Whole family of crazies. Hannah say’s she’s falling in love with Luke. Come on.

Last hometown, Knoxville, Tennessee for Jed’s great country hometown. Obviously the first place that Jed takes Hannah is to a recording studio. NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! How could this shit be more obvious? 

Gotta admit, I actually like the song. Cute lyrics.

Hannah meets Jed’s family who all seem pretty normal (and his sister’s pretty). Jed’s mom realistically tells Hannah that with him doing music she doesn’t think he is ready for an engagement. And that he’s not here for the right reasons. CLEARLY! Jed’s sister also tells her that she doesn’t think that Jed falling in love with Hannah is a good thing. And that music is his priority. Jed’s mom tells him that she’s thinks this is crazy. This lady know’s what she’s talking about. Good mom. Gina, nice Italian name too. Hannah says that she really needs time to think about this relationship and where it goes from here. We’re also forgetting that he had a girlfriend when the show started. This is all about the music for Jed. NOT Hannah. 

Rose ceremony time and this one’s gonna be fun for sure. Let’s fucking gooooooo.

First rose, “Peter, will you accept this rose?” FRONT RUNNER.

Second rose, “Tyler, will you accept this rose?” YES.

Final rose. Luke P vs. Jed. Can’t really lose here. Edge of my seat watching this. Fantastic production. 

Before Hannah can make her decision on Luke or Jed, she has a breakdown and walks away to another room with the final rose where Chris Harrison meets her. 

“Are you okay?”

“No”

Cliffhanger to an outside shot of the mansion. Cut to commercial. 

Back from commercial, and Hannah tells Chris that she doesn’t know what to do. That she hasn’t had the time to know who to pick. Come on. Just send one of these guys home. That’s not how this show works, Hannah.

Hannah comes back into the room with the guys and tells them that she can’t give out a final rose. How is this even possible? Luke and Jed both get another rose and the same four guys move on to next week. They should’ve both just gotten sent home.

“What the fuck is going on?”, Jed asks. YEAH. I’m asking the same thing. Jed says that it doesn’t feel like he got a rose at all and he’s pissed that it came down to him vs. “a complete scumbag”. This shit’s gonna explode. Fantasy suites next week. She’s gonna bang. This shit’s gonna be great. They’re definitely going to make this last a few weeks. And I can’t wait.

Wine bottle’s empty, by the way. Might need another one.