Last night, after a ridiculously long layoff due to the coronavirus pandemic, Clare Crowley’s season of The Bachelorette finally kicked off. I know I’m a day late, but watching my Buffalo Bills get their asses kicked on “Tuesday Night Football” beat out The Bachelorette. Coming off of Peter’s terrible season of The Bachelor followed by a music spinoff and an awesome look back at seasons past of the franchise’s history. So let’s kick off Clare’s journey to find love until the worst kept secret in Bachelorette history happens and it becomes my favorite from Colton’s season, Tayshia Adams’ journey to find love, after as Chris Harrison says, Clare “blows up The Bachelorette” and it all starts RIGHT NOW.
This season will be unlike any other. The first thing addressed is how it will not be taking place in the Bachelor Mansion in LA, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, the entire cast stayed at LaQuinta Resort in Palm Springs for the entirety of the season in a bubble. They definitely talked about the whole quarantine for the rona, a bit unnecessary and way too long. No one cares about that.
But first let’s start with Clare, the GORGEOUS 39 year old from California best known from her runner up finish on Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor. She was also in the first two seasons of Bachelor in Paradise and ultimately didn’t find love during those opportunities.
Time to meet the guys fighting for Clare’s heart. Let the journey begin!
- Ben – Seems pretty down to earth and normal
- Riley – Attorney, little corny but pretty normal
- Zac C. – Seems fine
- Jordan M. – When’s the flood coming with those pants? And velvet shoes are a little much
- Jason – Be a little more original rather than copying Clare’s fake preggo limo walk up from Juan Pablo’s season. Kinda stupid
- Ivan – Every season we have to have the foreign language clip in the intro. Other than that, pretty normal
- Kenny – “Boy band manager”…are you kidding me? And the t-shirt with her dogs, come on
- Brendan – Seems a little boring, and wear a normal tie, not a bow tie
- Mike – The flip flops actually aren’t the worst move
- Jeremy – Intro made him sound like an adult, that’s good
- Blake Monar – Alright I guess
- Tyler C. – This kid’s no Tyler Cameron and the fact that he pulled up in a shitty looking station wagon makes me hate him already
- Bennett – This dude rolling up in a Rolls Royce and with a scarf looks like SUCH an asshole
- Blake Moynes – Okay I guess
- Chris – Seems fine, cliche quote
- AJ – Kinda seems like a dweeb and real awkward
- Joe – Let’s make a dorky doctor joke
- Garin – Seems cool
- Robby – No comment
- Eazy – He’ll be good entertainment
- Jay – How can you think a straightjacket is a smart move?
- Chasen – “Knight in shining armor”, give me a break
- Demar – I hate when people use the dorky stupid jokes to stand out, just be normal
- Ed – Bubble coronavirus joke, fuck off
- Yosef – Bringing cookies isn’t a bad move, everyone loves snacks
- Jordan C. – Popcorn, same applies as the cookies
- Zach J. – The farting ring box is just as much of a joke as you are, good luck making it past night one
- Brandon – Seems like the most normal one so far
- Dale – Clare’s obsessed with this guy already, no doubt he gets the first impression rose and she has a whole blown thing that she feels like she just met her husband, let’s see…
Wow. That’s a wild thing from her with the guy coming right out of the limo…”I think I just met my husband”…wow. No wonder this whole season blows up…
Back to the rest of the guys,
- Page – Terrible hair
- Tyler S. – Seems alright
Dale really crushes his first talk with Clare and they have a great connection from the first jump. Clare loves this guy already.
The drama starts pretty quick too this season with Tyler C. (not to be confused with Bachelor Nation royalty, Tyler Cameron) calling out Yosef for sliding into IG DM’s of girls he knows. Come on. These guys are probably both not here for the right reasons. Of course, they get Clare involved. Hopefully she sends both of them home tonight. They’re both douchebags.
Clare pulls Blake Moynes away to talk to him and thanks him for breaking the rule of the show of reaching out to her before filming, which none of the other guys did. She says how much it meant to her and gives him the first kiss of the season. Good for him. Some rules are obviously meant to be broken.
In a move that shocks no one, Clare pulls Dale away and gives him the first impression rose. Of course, she said that she was pretty much in love with him from his first step out of the limo.
“Will you accept this rose?”
First rose ceremony of the season.
“Blake Moynes, will you accept this rose?” and we’re off. With the final rose, Clare gives Yosef a chance, sending home Tyler C. At least she sent one of them home.
More to come next week, on The Bachelorette.
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