Last night, the first episode of Hannah’s season of the Bachelorette aired and it already started out pretty decent. I got hooked on The Bachelor last season with Colton’s ridiculous season and although its gonna be tough to listen to Hannah saying ROLL TIDE! every episode, it should still be entertaining. This is my first season watching the Bachelorette so instead of judging all the girls on if I’d want to date them and deal with all their bullshit, instead now I’m judging the guys on how much better I am than all of them. Although it probably won’t be as fun, it should still be pretty entertained.
Here’s my breakdown of the guys that are competing for a chance to win Hannah’s heart this season:
- Garrett – His job is a “golf pro” and he did the whole “I’m super nervous” bullshit, I don’t get why they all have to be so cliche with this line. And why the stupid golf pick up line joke “there’s gonna be a few bogies tonight, but I want to be your hole in one”. She’s gonna eat this line up but come on.
- Mike – Seems annoying. She seems unphased by him
- Jed – Seems okay, relatively boring
- Tyler G. – A dancing contractor from Florida, what the fuck. And it looks like he smoked a joint in the limo on his way to the mansion
- Dylan – His intro was okay, real typical loser
- Connor S. – Hopped a fence for Hannah, come on. Please don’t make this season just as a tribute to how much of a loser Colton was
- Devin – The virgin joke making fun of Colton was good I guess, but let’s not drag this on too long. Hannah’s probably gonna think this is hilarious though
- John Paul Jones – Fuck this guy. Everything about him seems terrible. And calling yourself “John Paul Jones”? Seriously? Just go by your first name like everyone else on these shows does. Hopefully this guy gets sent home pretty early
- Brian – He’s a math teacher, not like Hannah could do much math anyways. And he seems super annoying immediately
- Scott – Seem like unmemorable loser
- Kevin – His fumbling footballs intro thing was so stupid. Couldn’t come up with anything better than that?
- Daron – This guy looks like he’s 50
- Matthew – He looks like Julian Edelman (Go Pats!)
- Joe – Hannah saying “it’s a big package ayyy” was hilarious as this guy gets delivered in a box. But what a giant douchebag this guy is. Hopefully he gets sent home ASAP.
- Joey – This guy brought a baby thing that had a bottle of champagne. That’s weird. And it he won’t last long
- Connor J. – Why in the fuck is this kid talking French. What are you trying to prove. Gimmick, gimmick, gimmick.
- Ryan – This guy’s job is a “roller boy”. WHAT THE FUCK is that. And the guy can’t even skate. If you’re gonna pull a move this stupid, at least have the ability to get pucks deep and skate circles around the rest of the guys.
- Grant – Unemployed. No surprise. Also looks like he did a solid line of blow before getting on camera. He can’t stay long.
- Luke P. – The roar thing. And playing off the “Hannah Beast” nickname. Come on man. And king of the jungle. What an asshole. He’s gonna start all the drama this season. It’ll be entertaining for sure but is this guy gonna be the one that Hannah ends up with…probably not
- Dustin – This guy’s voice sounds completely gay and has a nose ring so he’s probably gay
- Cam – Stop rapping man. I know it already got you a rose during the Women Tell All last season but it’s pathetic
- Matt Donald – He’s a farmer, his voice sounds like he’s gay and his parents being deaf just got the producers to get him on TV. And here we go again with the roll tide shit, we know she’s from Bama. We get it. And driving in with the tractor and the stupid hat on. Come on.
- Chasen – This guy’s a pilot. Seems good. Hope this works out
- Peter – ABC found a SECOND pilot on the same season?? He seems alright but a little too into himself. Giving Hannah the pair of wings thing that airline pilots give to little kids is kinda a loserish move but it’ll stick in her head so I guess its not the worst move. He should make it far this season.
Hannah did a pretty good job putting words together while talking to all the guys before spending some one on one time with them but, “nailed it”, come on Hannah, you’re not Colton. Of course Luke P went to talk to her first, but “I don’t have a girlfriend” as a line to tell her on your first time talking…no shit, you’re on the fucking Bachelorette, obviously you shouldn’t have a girlfriend. The party games shit that Connor J plays with Hannah is such a gimmick. She for sure loves the crown bullshit though, takes her right back to her days as a pageant girl and being Miss Alabama. Cam of course was a front runner coming into the season after getting Hannah’s very first rose during the Women Tell All episode of last’s season’s Bachelor. But him saying he doesn’t kiss on the first date and then kissing her is like every slut that bangs a guy on the first date and then tells him “I’m not like every other girl”. Give me a break. And Jed playing the guitar for her is just another gimmick.
A new twist to this season was having Demi and Katie come back to be “spys” for Hannah. Demi’s still entertaining as hell and I still can’t stand Katie, who barely said anything all episode anyways. Demi saying that Scott has a girlfriend is kind of funny but a bit wild on this show. The guy seems like a loser. “I love interior design” is not something you should tell a girl the first time you’re meeting her. He’s clearly gonna get sent home today with his girlfriend at home. “So you kept your girlfriend at home just to be safe” and no immediate answer is a clear admission to his lies. I was glad Hannah sent him home before the first rose ceremony happened just so we could avoid hearing from this clown anymore.
Of course, the first one to go console Hannah after the Scott situation was Luke P., who sounds like he’s Colton. But she’s gonna love that he consoled her after she shipped Scott out. Speaking of Colton, good for Connor S. getting a kiss on the first night after hopping a fence for Hannah. Let’s see how many references to Colton’s season of the Bachelor we get this season.
Obviously Luke P. got the first impression rose after him sitting with Hannah after the drama with Scott, that was a pretty easy prediction. Pretty cringy make out sesh with those two to watch after that though. No big surprises at the first rose ceremony but I didn’t really expect Darin who looks like he’s twice the age of the rest of these guys to get a rose and didn’t think Chasen would get sent home so early but whatever. On to next week and the rest of this season of The Bachelorette. Let’s gooooooo!