So, Let’s Talk About Sex

I started tonight by going to dinner with a whole group of my friends, so obviously I’m already buzzed from some dinner drinks before I even hit Play on my DVR’d episode of The Bachelorette. Which is great for this shit show after last week’s terrible hometowns episode. And I just poured myself a glass of wine too cause no way this could be good without that.

Fantasy suites this week.. And there’s four of them. In beautiful Greece. Here we go.

The first guy that Hannah spends some time with in Greece is Peter. Normal, good kid. He kinda reminds me of the Hannah G in Colton’s season. The front runner who should win but probably won’t. Hannah says that Peter is like the guy she always dreamed about, like the perfect nice guy for her, but she’s still concerned that he hasn’t told her that he loves her yet. Typical psycho girl. 

Commercial break: BACHELOR IN PARADISE PREVIEW!! This shit looks fantastic.

Back to The Bachelorette. “And it made me realize how in love with you I am”. Fuck yes, Peter. Rooting for ya hard, kid. And now I hope Hannah takes you to that fantasy suite and you have the best sex of your life. I completely want these two to end up together cause out of the remaining guys, he’s definitely the best one for Hannah. “Greece is known for the windmill’s right?” Hell ya, these two fuckkkkkkk. “Last night was the best night of my life”….I bet it was, Peter. 

Second guy that gets some time with Hannah is Tyler. Right away, a couple’s massage turns into a half naked makeup sesh between Tyler and Hannah but she mentions that she doesn’t know if the emotional connection with the two of them is as good as the physical connection that is obviously there. 

Commercial break again: They’re doing a casting for the Bachelor series in Cleveland. I should go!! A. I’m hot, I’m funny, I could do the whole romantic thing. B. I have the personality to be a fucking star on TV.

Hannah and Tyler spend the night together in their fantasy suite but don’t have sex. Hannah has huge reviews for him that he was the most respectful man that she had ever been with. Good for him, but they don’t have sex on the yacht that they stay on. If it isn’t Peter, I hope it’s Tyler that ends up with Hannah. 

Next, Jed has his date with Hannah after he admits that he’s still pissed that the last time he saw her was the rose ceremony that put him at the same point as Luke. I could already tell this is gonna be bad news. Jed and Hannah have a date with some random local family. Pretty strange if you ask me, but I guess they get to experience the culture in Greece firsthand, which is cool. But awwwwwkard. 

Dumb ass Jed pulls Hannah away from this awkward Greek family dinner and decides to ask Hannah just directly how she could “even consider someone like Luke”. This ain’t gonna end well, you idiot. Jed asks a good question of that if she’s so close to finding her husband, what makes her want to continue something so uncertain with her fucked up relationship with Luke.  Hannah can’t really describe the bond between her and Luke which doesn’t really please Jed. No way this works out, but I don’t give a fuck since I can’t stand both Jed and Luke. Hannah and Jed revisit this conversation at dinner which seems to just result in uncertainty for both of them. But even though I still don’t like him, Jed consoling Hannah after her little meltdown was cute. Jed and Hannah, if you choose to forgo your individual rooms…fantasy suite. As Jed leaves the fantasy suite in the morning, it definitely seems like they had a good night together, in every way they could’ve. 

Only 35 minutes of Luke this week. Let’s see how this shit show all ends cause if he’s still here after this week I don’t think i’ll be able to watch the rest of this season. Especially after all of tonight’s hints that he’s gone. First notable line from Luke this week, “I feel like this would be an awesome place to get married”. Shut the fuck up, Luke. 

After a nice date together, Luke stirs up the drama with the line all the previews have brought us to with him all season; “so, let’s talk about sex”. Luke gives the bullshit that sex should only be for marriage. Give me a fucking break. This is worst than Colton being a virgin all of last season. Guess what bud, she for sure already banged Peter, and probably Jed too. Get over yourself and stop acting like you’re still 18. Hannah quickly calls Luke on his bullshit and says that it pisses her off and that she completely disagrees with his bullshit “views” on sex before marriage. “You have already broken my heart through all of this”. Truth, Hannah. But you were too much of a clueless idiot to notice this earlier and made us grind through watching this clown this entire season. After Hannah calls him on it, Luke starts with his back tracking bullshit saying “even if Hannah slipped up and had sex”. Oh come on. 

“And i do not want you to be my husband”. GOOD BYE LUKE. And good riddance. Seeeee yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!   “So like, I have had sex, and Jesus still loves me”. Boom, dead. Bye Luke. “I didn’t just go to a fantasy suite, we fucked in a windmill, and in fact we did it twice”. This is FANTASTIC TV. “Could I pray with you before I leave?”, what a great episode. 

Next week on the Bachelorette, fucking Luke is back. WHY?! I thought we were done with this shit.